Sometimes it is not always easy to be patient and peel back the skin of a relationship slowly in order to get to the sweet juicy meat in the middle, but sometimes it's worth it because then when you finally do get to the part in the middle, it is even sweeter. 

Every now and again, I have those nights where my mind just won't shut down and allow me to sleep. Last night is one of those nights.  

So many things are going through my mind and it also doesn't help that I am evidently fighting off something as my glands are swollen. Time for tea.  

I've gone through a lot in the last two years. It really began with my mother passing away in August of 08. I watched her diminish from the beautiful Irish woman that even though caused a lot of pain in my life, there was also a lot of love and guidance. I've learned that there is never pleasure without pain. Through the pain we learn of our limits and like a phoenix we can burn with passion and be reborn again. For a long time I felt that the changes that occurred in my life after she passed was because I felt as though she held me back. I have been ashamed of my feelings, my fantasies, and desires because for so long she had burned it into my head that I was wrong, literally a piece of shit, and she was ashamed of her actions which caused my creation. One might wonder what brought these feelings to the surface now? 

My husband and I were having a conversation about fear. About my fears like not being able to handle being called a slut, or a dirty whore. I go into flight or fight mode. He tried to make the point that I don't allow myself the pleasure of being naughty. And when we got involved in the BDSM lifestyle, I had and still struggle with not being judgmental about others because of what has been ground into my head by people who were supposed to love me for me, but didn't. I judge my husband the harshest out of all. I have struck out at him for his desires because I was ashamed that I couldn't let go of the pain of my past and be that dirty little whore that he wanted me to be, and I sure the hell couldn't handle him going to find it from someone else because then I felt even worse. Trapped within my own fear, and trapping him with me. But he loves me so deeply that he put his own desires aside to address my fear. I know that a lot of it is from the emotional and physical abuse from my mother, and then my ex husband. But the sexual side is from being molested by various people who were mostly family members, to my very brutal rape while in the Army where I was left for dead.  

At that time in my life I had so much to live for. I was fit, beautiful, and had just been told that I was being recommended for the Physician's Assistant school for the Army. Which could have led me to becoming a Doctor. It was all I have ever wanted to do is help people. I loved my job.  

After this, I gave up. I felt that this was a reminder that I was everything that my mother had told me, I was worthless. An object to be used and discarded. Left for dead. It was not long after my knee surgery so I wasn't able to exercise like I had been. I began gaining weight, and couldn't focus on my work so I started getting in trouble. I finally just told my Company Commander that I wanted out and it was in the time where the military budget was being cut so drastically that they were letting people out for the simplest of reasons. My husband at the time had already got out of the infantry and it was his urging for me to get out as well as he wanted to go back home to California. Little did I know at that time that because I had gained weight, that he was planning on leaving me anyhow. But that, is but another story.  

I never told anyone about being raped. I mean who did I have to go to? My mother? She probably would have told me that I had done something to deserve it. My peers? I was cross trained at the US Air Force Hospital, Elmendorf. It would have been the hospital that I would of had to go to.. and I was too ashamed. Not to mention that some of those, as there were four voices... I recognized two of them as men that I worked with. One of them being an Officer. So it would have been an E-4's word against an Officer's. But it didn't matter. The shame was enough.

A couple weeks ago I went and had my yearly exam done, and out of the blue, my new physician asks me if I have had counseling for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Inside I panicked. Had she seen something during my exam? Was I physically damaged and no one had cared to tell me until now? Luckily no, but she said I answered questions in a manner that suggested it. My husband and I both looked at each other. I was never asked any questions by the nurse.. She then asked me if something had happened. I took a deep breath and found the courage to tell her as tears welled up in my eyes. She commented on how gorgeous of a blue my eyes had become. I couldn't help but let out a stifled laugh which broke the tension a little. She gave me a pamphlet. I admit, I have yet found the courage to make the calls. Part of me says I am not ready to relive that night. The other part of me says.. you relive it every night. 

I am so withdrawn when it comes to my sexuality. Been ashamed to show my affection. To even reach out and sensually caress my lovers and mates over the years.. Not even through their jeans without coaxing. I can't relax enough to pleasure myself. I either have to be alone, or I need to be commanded. When I role-played online with people in sexual situations, if my husband came into the room I became immediately timid and had to end my writing and then cowered back inside my mind telling myself I was being bad.

In the last two years, thanks to the love of many, I have fought my way through many of the fears that caused very bad reactions from me. I know we all have our insecurities, and one of my biggest ones is believing that someone can just love me for me. I pushed a lot of people away, and self sabotaged because of this insecurity thinking that one, I wasn't good enough for these people, and two, letting the fear within me make me believe that people that people were placating me with their affection in order to take away the one man who has become my stability. Even though my husband has always reassured me that he will never leave me. And I know he never will even if he does come to love another, I am his first, and he has proven such time and time again. I was just too blind to see such on many occasions.  

I've become a lot stronger, but it was times like the other night when he really made me face this fear.. for he asked me to kneel in such a manner during the conversation that I broke down into instant tears and shook my head no. He asked me why and I said," because I'm a good girl.. " I know it wasn't to hurt me. It was to make me face it. To tell me that I am safe and I can be that slut, and that dirty whore that I do enjoy letting out every now and again. Either in private online, or when I drink, and relax. Letting down that guard.

Out here in the country I have been pretty confined to our room.. we got food assistance, and I stopped focusing upon myself. At least in a physical manner. I needed to be supportive of my husband as he struggled with finding a job, we began helping a family who in turn helped us with transportation as we no longer have a vehicle of our own. We added them as family and as Den Mother I keep track of everyone and make sure that things get accomplished. The girl is Daddy's submissive, and I do consider her like a sister, but in a lot of ways I keep her at a distance because she is really negative and that is hard for me to deal with. But I try to help as much as possible.The kids are wonderful, there is little man who is 2, spaz girl who is 3, and my shadow who is 10.  I would do anything for those kids.  I also have the pleasure of being Dommy Mommy as A calls me. I guide her, and she is also is my guiding light who loves to tell me how it is when it comes to taking care of myself as well. We all need that. Even a Dominant of any kind needs to hear that he or she is being an ass and needs to change things.

But, above it all, I know that I need to re-focus upon me again. I have confidence in myself about a lot of things, like going back to school to grasp tightly that goal that I thought was lost when I was in Army. Confidence in my relationship, Confidence that my husband is going to run with this job and keep advancing, Confidence that I am going to get out there where my three beautiful horses are and train them so that I can ride once again and not just have big pets. Confidence that I make a difference in those in which I involve in my life and that I can communicate to them how much of a difference that they make in my life. Confidence that with help, I can learn to explore these other sides of me that I have been repressing out of fear. By the doctor's decree, I am as healthy as my bold and beautiful Mustang Stallion out in the field. Well okay, besides my knee's and arthritis, but in truth that is a pain that I can put out of my mind. Either that, or soak in the hot tub. ~smiles~ Point being, I need to get back into shape. I was doing so good, and then I let myself fall back into self loathing for awhile. But, no excuses anymore right?  

I have to say.. I am pretty proud of myself. This is the first time that I have ever written out about the rape. Feels good. Now, it's just baby steps.

Faith isn't always about religion, and I have learned that we need to have faith in those that we love in order to fight our way through life, be it during rough times, through the times in which we celebrate, and everyday in between.

Sometimes it's really hard to have faith because so many things go wrong that it just doesn't feel like there is ever going to be that light in the darkness. But that is when I know I need to have faith the most.

I have to have faith that I haven't been forgotten, that my thoughts count, that my dreams matter, and the list could, and should go on. But, most importantly, I have to have faith in myself.

I've been a mess lately. Completely lost and I don't know how to pull  myself out of it anymore. Part of me says it's because I have been fighting for so long to keep everyone else positive in the hopes that it would encourage them to work harder to get their shit together, which in turn would enable me to get things better organized. But I really don't know anymore. 

I haven't felt this depressed since my mom died and I wish I knew what to do.

Sissy is depressed all of the time and she expresses it regardless of who is around, most of all the kids and they have come to not respect her anymore because of it. She is one of the kids and not an authority figure to them and that really bothers me. But when we try and talk to her about it and she just locks up and gets worse.

Another thing that is really getting to me is that I went to my dr's appointment and got weighed. I've gained back the weight I lost a year ago. It's not that I didn't realize it just from looking in the mirror, but seeing it on the scale just made it more of a slap in the face. This has been a lifetime struggle for me and last year I really thought I was getting a handle on it. I felt good, I actually thought I looked good. And now that feeling is gone. I mean I have people who tel me that I look good, People who compliment my pictures, but some of these people have a fetish for fat girls. Telling me to show more of my momma's belly. Which I hate about myself.

I can't stand to be in public anymore because I just don't feel good enough.

 I wish there was a do over button.

Each time I have taken a step to seek out what I am confident that I need, I run into people who say they are one thing, when they are really another. Both of the gentlemen that were interested in me were a let down. The first one, DC I called him.. He didn't want a D/s relationship, he wanted a dirty slut, though tried to play it off as a M/s relationship. That's not me. It took me a very long time to get comfortable enough with D to touch him without being concerned that I was being bad for doing so. When I explained to DC that it wasn't going to work, he accused me of not being honest with him, saying I do want to be that dirty slut. It only proved further that he wasn't interested in who I really am.  

Then I began talking to a friend of ours who I had a chance to spend a couple weeks with in December. At the time he was still with his g/f and being that she is 19, and wafer thin I didn't even consider him a possibility. But when we began talking, he stated he wanted to have a scene with me and see where things went. So, he put me under consideration. Then we began talking and he tells me that he still planned to look for another skinny geek gurl and didn't know if I would fit in then because he has no interest in sex with me, but giving him a blow job is okay. I had one day with him, and most of that day he was gone, as I cleaned his roommates house and did his laundry. When he got home, he played on the computer and had me serve him and the roommates dinner. While on Fetlife he writes these grand posts about what it means to be a Master. I was extremely disappointed, so I ended that fiasco.  

I have a lot going on at home with Daddy, Sissy, and the kids and I have decided that it is just best for me to focus upon that, as I am tired of disappointments. I am tired of people reminding me about why I keep my distance. It's not what I want, but it just seems "safer" this way.  

All of the seasons are incredible and have their own energy that feeds my own, but Spring is my favorite. To see life pop up all around us can bring a smile even to those who think they have forgotten how to smile.  

We have new lambs in the field that bound and run, and now we have baby bunnies as of this morning. Flowers of different colors have bloomed and tree's are blossoming. This renewed life also brings with it positive energy that spurs hope. 

I have been sick the last couple days and have had a lot of down time, but in that down time I have gone over the last year of my life. So much has changed. So many new experiences. I fell in love again (Always and forever), I broke through barriers that have been up for most of my life, have been a human platter, need to feel my flesh cut until droplets of blood trickle down my body, enjoyed and continue to enjoy feeling the hot flash of fire against my flesh, being corseted with needles down my back, am now being offered the chance to be a fetish model, and our family now consists of a new lil girl for Daddy(sister to me) and three children which we love and adore.  I would have never thought that one year could change me so much and I can only imagine what the future has in store for us.  

I am blessed and am confident that our lives will continue to get better as to me, it is Springtime in which is the beginning of the new year. Not Jan 1st.

Our journey has been incredible. I really wondered if I would ever feel this kind of connection with another woman. But I do. Sissy and I of course have our differences but in the way we think and feel is very much alike. Could it be because our birthdays are only 4 days apart? Two Libra's together make an interesting way of life but we understand each other.

Our family is coming together. She is moving out with us, today in fact. Granted, she and the kids have been pretty much living with us anyhow for the last month. But now it's official. 

But yesterday was a true test to myself as the three of us were in bed together after a fun night of drinking, bouncing on the bed, having a licorice war.. and so on. I was hungrily sucking Daddy's cock as she walked in and I smiled and said. " Your turn" Though she didn't feel that bobbing up and down to suck him would  be very good on her tummy so Daddy turned her ass around after he put on a condom and pushed her head down into the pillows as he pushed himself deep into her.. At one point he slipped when she moved her hips and he mentioned she almost got it in the ass.. I then smiled and said, " And this is a bad thing how?" Daddy gave me a shocked look as this is something that I have never been willing to offer to another as this is "our thing" but I decided that if we are to make this completely work then there should not be an "our thing". He double, triple, and quadruple checked with me before he began to push his hardness into her ass as I watched laying on my back next to them with my vibrator between my legs stimulating my clit.. dripping wet. She hasn't had anal in 7 years, and not with someone as thick as Daddy so I began to talk to her, getting her to breathe as he worked his way in. I then decided to do what helps me.. which is stimulate the clit, but why not add more fun to it, and offered double penetration with a toy.. I do love to please.. and once she relaxed and stretched the fun began as she screamed and moaned in pleasure and came so hard..  So. soo yummy.  

Before this relationship I really didn't know how I felt about getting involved with women. I mean it was fun to kiss and fondle and such but I knew a lot of that was because I know how much it turns Daddy on most importantly, but also others, and like I said, I do love and need to please. This routine was very hard to get over and I know I have missed out on some opportunities for great relationships in the past. But I can't look back any further. I won't let the way I was raised stand in my way of happiness. And with this relationship, I haven't.

When Sissy went to get the kids on Saturday Daddy just held me in his arms and glowed with pride. I haven't seen him this happy in a long time. Even with our financial difficulties.. money is not all that is important. Family is most important. 

So last night we went to a dungeon party and I got suspended for the first time. That was incredible, I just floated in bliss. Then I was made into a subby sundae. hehe Always fun to make messes. It was an awesome night. Now, I am sitting with the kids who are napping and smiling.  

So yesterday we had planned a play session with DC. And by we I mean Sis and I. I was excited and felt that this would be a true test to see whether the chemistry is there or not between us. 

He came in and Sis was instructed to disrobe me, and she did, then was told to walk me to my computer chair where I was tied in and blindfolded. She was then instructed to touch me and run her hands over me where ever she wished. The feeling was exquisite and brought me to shiver and purr. Blindfolds are an incredible tool. She then was instructed to kiss me. This was the first time that we have actually kissed. In the past, kissing a girl really didn't mean much. I knew it was something that the men liked watching and I love to please. But this was passionate and really meant something between us. I have come to a realization that I really can't see my life without her and the children in it. That's an incredible feeling. One I have missed with another person for a long time. 

I really enjoyed pleasing her, and to bring her to orgasm with my tongue was exhilarating. Another first for me.

The play session went on and truly the most that happened with DC was that she and I were spanked. Sure there was sensual touches between all three of us. But there just wasn't any chemistry with him. It's sad, but I am not going to keep trying something that isn't meant to be. Both Sis and I felt it and the energy around us was quite off for awhile as we sorted out our feelings. Not just about him, but about how our own relationship had developed.

Sis and I laid together on my bed all cuddled up as we talked about the scene and DC after he was gone. I knew he too could feel me distancing myself when I didn't feel that energy between us. And the fact that Sis felt the same way only strengthened my feelings. So I got onto yahoo and I had already received messages from him asking me if things were okay and I was honest with him. He was confused and thought that he had done something wrong. But it was nothing like that. I just didn't feel what I felt I should, to have that kind of relationship. 

So Daddy came home with the kids and we all played outside with the farm animals. I went to kiss Daddy and he smirked at me. " I know that smell.. and taste."
I blushed three shades of red then went in search of gum, or anything. The children came over and hugged me tight as if they had been away from me for more than just the two hours then went on their way to play again with the bunnies and on the rock pile like kids love to do.

Sis and I then went to the store and had a chance to talk about it more which is always nice. When we got home we chatted more about it between the three of us on our messengers then I snuggled the kids on the bed while we watched Stardust. All four of us, the kids and I, fell asleep.

It was a day of discovery, and even though things with DC didn't work out, other beautiful things were discovered and reveled in. It was a good day.

I didn't know if I could or would ever try Poly again. But I knew at some point I would let down my guards and reach out to another man, but I didn't know when, I just left myself open to the possibility when I felt that I could handle such. With that said, these last two months have been interesting.  

We have taken the time to get to know a girl and her children. With her we didn't involve anything sexual until recently and it was with Daddy and I both involved. We also took her to a dungeon play party. It was her first time and I really enjoyed topping her and having her experience things such as flogging for the first time. I am still a virgin to many things, but the things I do know such as flogging and teasing sexually I am very good at. ~Playful smile~  

Anyhow, we have become very close. To the point that it feels off when she and the children are not around so we have decided to find a place to move in together. She and I have a lot of exciting plans for crafts as well as starting our own business by creating a  Pagan homeschooling program online. We also plan to grow and dry herbs to sell and even create packaged aromatherapy kits, spell kits, ritual kits, craft kits and so on. I am definitely excited. 

Matt and I are doing wonderful. Things are tough financially, but we pull together as a family for support. Our sex life is incredible, our D/s life together grows stronger everyday . This girl can't ask for more. But if more is to happen, this girl has no complaints.

As far as meeting someone else. I have gone through a lot of emotional hula hoops before I was able to ground myself. Perhaps my first experience with being with someone else besides my husband is a lot like my first marriage. Trial and error. I discovered a lot about myself. Admittedly many things I wasn't proud of, but it was a learning process. Though there is one difference. I wouldn't take back my first husband for anything. D, I probably would. I do still love him, and I always will. Pain of any kind makes us stronger and I can see him now and smile without feeling that utter loss. When I could do that I knew I was strong enough to let myself explore again.

I got back onto Collar Me as I figured, why not. I have already made most of the stupid and even dangerous mistakes which I won't do again. I got a lot of messages. In truth I think a lot of the messages are extremely comical. But, there were some who were local that I began talking to. But one in particular caught my attention and we began talking on messenger.

At first we talked about my past, and I felt comfortable enough to open up, even about my kids which is a huge step for me with someone. I spoke about D&A in relation to my last experience. He said he has spoken to A through Collar Me and didn't even know she was married as D wasn't mentioned as well as his other feelings about her. I shut him down on that subject as I don't want to feel that anguish again. To each their own.  

After talking for 2 weeks we were planning to meet but the lunch date didn't work out for family reasons. In our continued talks things became more sexually focused which is really hard for me to deal with, and it got to a point where I put some distance between us which means I told him I didn't think this would work out. I got nervous and felt it was better to part ways now, then later. But then I felt guilty realizing that I hadn't expressed those fears with him. I mean admittedly I don't know a man who isn't sexual, and some women are willing to be sexual from the start. But that doesn't mean that he isn't capable of restraint.

We didn't talk for about a week. Until I sat down and explained to him where my fears came from. Things made sense, and we started over. I am learning. Since then the flow between us is very fluid. We had our first lunch date which was very interesting (Posted about it on Fetlife), and we are going to meet again this Monday. What's even more interesting is that Sis is joining us for some more outdoor fun. Share and share alike right? 

What will become of all this? I don't know. We shall see. ~smiles~

In the last few days I have sat looking out my bedroom window to the field of animals beyond with a smile. Not because it's a beautiful day out, even though that is a plus, not because I love watching our mare graze not too far from me, even though that too makes me smile. But this smile is because the energies are shifting and they are, for the most part, positive.  

Every journey has bumps in the road, and if they didn't life would be boring. Not just boring but we wouldn't learn anything if life was peachy every day.  I have learned a lot about life, and especially myself in this last year. Some of these things are: I can love another man with all of my heart and always will even if we come to take different paths, that not all D/s dynamics are the same and they don't have to be. We make them what we want them to be. No person has the right to say you are or are not submissive, or vice versa with Dominance. That I don't have to fear that my husband is seeking to replace me, because he isn't and never will. That some people need more than one person in their lives but that doesn't make me any less important. That Daddy needs reassurance from me and has fears that he is not enough, just as I did. That my fantasies are just as important to express than my goals in life. That I shouldn't hold things in, and when I do it hurts more than myself. That I can't blame myself for the emotional and sexual abuse that happened to me. That I can't blame others for not protecting me. That I need to pause and take a cleansing breath before addressing any situation, for reacting, and even worse assuming only causes pain and complications. That there are three sides to me.. my little gwennie side, my Gwen (Motherly) side, and my Dark Goddess Freya side. All sides are important to let out, for if I hold them back it will rip me apart.  

So you see, I have many reasons to smile as I look out my window.