As if it wasn't obvious, I haven't felt much like writing, we all go through these phases.

Yesterday was a horrible day, I just felt lost. I made the decision that there is no way in hell I could be dominant over someone else, it's simply not me. Yes, I am motherly, because it is in my nature to take care of people, animals, and plants. But this was different. I tried and I fought with myself over it.

Secondly, I came to the final realization that I do not see myself as a slave to my husband. I can't submit to him, not in the way others can. Before that frustrated me, but now, I understand, and I am happy that he enjoys lil kinks submission to him. 

I explained to tlil kink who had asked me to take on the role as her Mommy in a D/s relationship that it was not my place. I also agreed with my husband that I was not his slave, I am his babygirl, and shall always be.  Even after that, I found myself to be severely depressed which is very uncommon for me, and I do feel it was because I could feel someone else.

Today I awoke and I still felt horrible, lost, and frustrated. I went silent and it took everything I had to not just break down and cry on many occasions. We went out to our new place and began to paint the room. I have been asked if giving up my position of Mistress of my domain will be hard. I chuckled softly, I never give up that position. Even if it is not a house of our own we are moving into, it is a room that we are making our own, and I will make it our home.

Matt left for nearly an hour to head into Dallas and get supplies, and it gave me a chance to clear my head. I listened to music on my phone and painted as I had energy that I hadn't felt in a long time. I put quite a few songs from Tech N9ne on my phone and they made me smile bringing back memories of the concert I went to with D, A, and B. Matt doesn't like rap at all, but when he got back he even tolerated it for awhile because he enjoyed watching me wiggle, and bounce to the music happily.

One of the things that really helped me today was that I went out there and immediately took care of the animals on the farm. Fed the chickens, ducks, their horse, and the 6 rabbits. Cleaned out their waters and refilled them. Then grabbed apples off of the tree and spoiled the hell out of the llama and some of the sheep that were close. Later in the day when my horses finally came up towards the house, I fed them apples too. Across the driveway giving me the evil eye was the llama (Thank you for not spitting.. ) who was now Jealous of my two kids  who are.... OMG fat. Good thing I will be out there.. they need some running. Well, and wormed too. But otherwise they look really good. The point being, I felt like I was back home taking care of the animals like I should be. They have a garden area that they said can be all mine. If they only knew what they were offering me.. ~smiles~

We finished the first coat of primer around 7, now, mind you we didn't get out there until about 2 and well.. we didn't have the adequate equipment to use at first. But, by this time we were ready to quit for the day. We turned and smiled at one another. Jacuzzi time. We stripped, grabbed a towel and headed out. The temp was set at 103 degree's which was perfect.. and the sun was just starting to set. Considering we are in a valley surrounded by mountains, it was a gorgeous scene. On top of it all, it's a full moon. We slipped into the hot water and turn on the jets. Hmm shivers, instantly perky to the point of aching, then relax.. Matt sat there on edge for a moment as he watched me. Slowly dipping my head back to get my hair wet, my upper body just slightly above the water as the light of the moon is all that lights up my naked body. I could feel his eyes wash over me and moved to say something but he moved through the water to me. We made love under the moon, in weightless sublime. I took in the energy of the moon, watched the clouds move across the starlit sky... I had been gone from this far too long.

We went inside around 9 and sat in our room and all we could hear was the crickets.. no train, no sirens, no cars, closest dog bark was a half a mile away.. We closed the storm windows and there was silence. My ears were ringing because they were not used to it. Craziness. We slowly got dressed and then left. The drive back to Salem was peaceful, relaxed. We walked into our townhouse and it was hustle and bustle again. It made me really appreciate the day even more.

There are many things I will miss about Salem. Most of all there are people who I will miss. But love in any form is boundless. I will always be close. I will love you, always and forever as I promised.

Last night as I sat on the couch watching TV, I had an overwhelming sensation move through me. At the time I didn't know what it was but I grabbed my cell phone and began searching for a new background for my phone. Then I found it, a lightening storm over the ocean at night. The words that came to my mind is "The storm is coming" a long drawn out smile played upon my soft lips as I focused upon the words.

What does it mean... I chewed upon my lower lip as I pondered, then smiled again.

When we went to the dungeon in Estacada this last weekend, I was informed of a fundraiser on August 29th to raise money for a local woman who was recently diagnosed with lung Cancer. Her family can't afford the treatments, but luckily she is getting the treatment anyhow. One of those, this  treatment happens and we will deal with the financial storm later. When I was told the date of the event I paused and shuddered. It is four days after the 1 year mark of my mother passing away.

I had been working on an idea about a non profit organization that will not only raise money for treatments such as she is currently going through, but also provide the family with things they may need, food, clothing, babysitting, help with housework.. The possibilities are endless. But, I put my thoughts on hold as I have been in mourning for my own mother. I have taken this as my mother's way of kicking me in the ass and telling me to get to it. Don't just say it, do it.

Firestorm is coming.

I contacted the brother, and have already talked to some people about my idea's and so far everyone is on board. I will be reaching out to local bands that I used to have play at our bar, radio stations, local dancers, crafters, tattoo artists.. ~smiles~

This lil girl is on fire, and we will burn so brightly you will have to shield your eyes and take cover, but in the end there will be new life.

Firestorm~Burning Cancer one cell at a time.

In memory of my mother. Margo Elaine Shields Born Jan 16th 1954, Set free from Cancer August 25th 2008.

I thought that I had left bullies behind in high school where I was teased because not only did I talk funny, but I wore hand me down clothes as it was all that my mother could afford.

But then, I get involved in BDSM and the local community, and I find myself dealing with the same drama all over again. It's so easy for people to say "Just get over it" or "Brush it off" but when you have been dealing with being put down all of your life, especially from the closest people in your life, being verbally attacked by a person in the community that for some reason has an influence on people really fucking sucks.

I wore an outfit this person gave me because, hmm I actually like it and had accepted this person as a friend. So then she goes out of her way to say she is glad she gave it away because it is not attractive. So I have now negotiated a scene to have the damn thing cut into shreds from my body. Then I will burn it.

This person assumes shit, and when it doesn't go her way, she makes up lies so that she doesn't look bad. In fact she actually posts them publicly on her profile to cause drama.. Even going as far as bringing up my children, talk about vindictive.

If people want to play along with this bully, then have fun with it. I am done with it. You win because I will not play that game.

It hurts to see people I care about interact with her, but I am confident that she will show her true colors. Bullies of any kind always get what's coming to them. I wish this person the best in her life and with her children.

I love music.. the way it makes me want to move.. to close my eyes, run my fingers through my hair and forget about the world around me.. its dangerous for me because all I want to do is make people smile and dance with me. I am told I have that kind of addictive energy that draws people in. Perhaps... ~smiles licking my lips~

A soft smile that plays over my lips as my hips move from side to side, baby girl eyes that undress you.. gentle fingers running over my body inviting you.. exciting us both.. pulse racing.. body sheen.. MMmmm  I will make you yearn.. am I confident.. yes.

I love to feel the beat jolt my body to the point that I have to fight for breath. It is sex on the dance floor, a dance floor that can be as simple as my own room..

I like all kinds of music but nothing gets me moving like hip hop/ some rap. Like right now.. listening to Tech N9ne's "Bout Ta Bubble".. and I can't sit still.. with me with my hair in pig tails, bouncing about my room, folding clothes. ~bites my lower lip and smiles~ Can you feel it? I can.

( Draft from Mothers Day.)
I dreaded today, as it reminds me more of what is missing, than remembering times I had with my mum, and children. This has been a horrible weekend except for last night when I went out with Matt to Albany and met up with friends. I had already drank a bit before leaving, its more cost effective that way then drinking at the bar. I was quite tipsy by the time we got there, my accent to the point that I could barely be understood. When we went to JP's we saw people we have known for years. I drank and danced. Got told by many people how hot I looked and how erotic my accent is. I flirted with people that no one else would for one reason or another just to watch them smile. There was no harm done, and Matt watched protectively. I checked in with him often, dancing against him, kissing him, even kneeling in my skirt at his feet. He is well loved and my reward is to get to play, and I did. I always wear my collar with pride, and many comments were made about it, all positive. It makes me proud to be who and what I am. A loved slave. At the last song, Matt and I slow danced, and I began to spin. He sat me down and took my drink from me. We all walked out and headed to the truck. He sat me down as we continued to talk with our new and old friends. I had taken off my shoes on the walk over, then took off my stockings when I sat down in the truck. Matt wondered what I would take off next. But I was good. Ok I flashed but the shirt still stayed on. We stopped at Jack in the Box and I wanted a Teriyaki bowl, but they didn't have rice, so I got a breakfast bowl instead. When we got home, I passed out. I awoke 4 hours later with a skull splitting headache on the edge of a migraine. I tried to take a bath but it hurt too bad. I came back to bed and Matt held me in his arms. I cried because the pain was so bad. I needed help to go to the bathroom for I was feeling queasy, I asked if he could empty out the trash can as I wasn't feeling good at all. I got to the bedroom door before sure enough I got sick. I have been laying down ever since. Its been a quiet day, barely hearing from those I usually hear from all day long. It adds to the sadness of today which I am looking forward to being over. I miss my children, I miss my mum, I missed MiLord.

I didn't sleep, I couldn't, as images and sensations moved over my body from my mind churning rampantly. Mocked in astral with a pleasure I would not feel again but from a distance and only because I reached out, not the other way around. So much a fool is this little Irish girl to think I could find that again.I wanted to believe.. needed to. but so quickly was I proven the opposite.

My thoughts twisted in my mind by old tongue in which my grandmother once spoke to me. I growled loudly in pain for so many reasons. I used that energy well and blood spilled..

Fillean meal ar an meallaire

Slán leat, a ghrá mo chroì

Gwendolyn Breeanne

I haven't written much, here or in my book journal as mainly it has been very hard for me to look back. I have done a lot of soul searching lately, and have began working upon things that before I either ignored the fact that they were happening, or felt justified because of things I have gone through in my past. I am picking apart my emotions which gives me a chance to problem solve before I react. This has not been easy at all, and it will continue to be a struggle, which I welcome the challenge, for I know I will be a better person for it. As far as a challenge for my mind, I am getting back to writing. This in fact is my first real moment of writing. I know that it does help me. Sometimes I shall write in my book journal as I may not want to share all of my emotions, but I will write.

Today was also the first day that I began working my body. I had made an appointment at the gym to talk about a membership and everything worked out perfectly..being a Veteran paid off. I rode Tot's mountain bike, which was a challenge in itself for I haven't ridden in more than 20 years..but when I did, I was very fit. Which I would love to get back to that again. I rode to the gym...it kicked my ass. It didn't help that the route I took was not the wisest, and I took good advice for the ride back. A lot easier. When I got to the gym I was out of breath and sweaty. I had forgot how much cardio that involved. So, at the gym I worked my arms, shoulders, back, and abs. Sweaty little girl. I was also excited to see D, we chatted for a minute or two. I smiled a lot. It made my day. I went outside to cool down before I rode back. Gah my poor pelvis..I said arse, but it really is my pelvis. Those small seats with the narrow front..it like tries to push apart my pelvis..not gonna happen, I think I am bruised *laughs* how sad is that? Needless to say, I was very happy to get home. But the workout felt so good. Matt and I are going back to swim, get into the steam room and jacuzzi. I am looking forward to soaking.

I also got a lot done at home today. Shawn is moving out so I cleaned out his corner and vacuumed. The house is becoming comfortable and not crowded. Our livingroom is more open again, and I found a lot of my candles which I will be lighting more often. Getting back to simplicities. I am also baking more, getting into sewing, and need to find a new poster to color. I miss coloring. I can't seem to find the celtic poster anywhere...~frumps~ So here is one of my workouts for my soul, and I feel great. Thank you for a wonderful day.

It can lead to many things, sometimes complete destruction, and sometimes clarity.

It is something that is in all of us and depending on how you choose to handle it, of course will determine the end result.

So many things have been in chaos in the last year and its interesting how I am seeing the end of this year being the first anniversary of my mother's passing. Which is in August because that is really when things began to change for me. Drastically.

What does this have to do with today and my feelings? A lot of strange things happened yesterday, strange but good. My husband admitted that there were things that he had told me about someone I care about which weren't exactly the truth. Things that made me upset and caused drama because I believed in what he was saying and therefor I reacted negatively at that time towards this person. Now, I don't put all of the blame upon him, I still should have not reacted as I did. But I am human. I make mistakes. And I said things before this time that was not influenced by him, but my own insecurities. I have done a lot of soul searching and admittedly I will tell you how I feel, I am not going to kowtow. But I will go out of my way to show you that I really do care. Because I do.

M is exploring that other side of himself, and for the first time I am at ease with it. It had to be done in my time. Now again on this there are certain people that I will say I am not comfortable about. But I am always open to discussion. I am very proud of myself for this. I feel sorry for those people who told me or told my husband behind my back that I would never get here.. don't ever underestimate me.. ever..

My husband and I are starting upon a new path as many things have changed and evolved for us, and I am excited about this path. He is choosing to explore and experience new things with other partners/bottoms and for right now, I am choosing to sit back and focus upon myself. My life, and those within it.

He has told me many times that I spread myself too thin. So now I am focusing upon self improvement, and the submissives group. It is my hope that those I love and have wronged can forgive me and will see the differences I am making in my life.

Tis one thing to say "its ok" its another to say I forgive you, and want to walk with you hand and hand into the future. ~smiles~ So I can hope.

But all I can say for now, is that the Chaos has brought clarity. Thank you.

For three days the chaos has built and I prayed for it to be released. The clouds swirled and darkened as the warm winds carried its call. I stood looking out the window of my bedroom as the hairs stood up on end and then the streak of lightening cascaded across the sky. I closed my eyes and whispered a prayer taught to me long ago from my grandmother to give thanks, then placed my hands over my heart as the thunder shook my very being.

I walked downstairs and out my front door in a near trance as I stood in nothing more than a thin cotton dress, I let down my hair, and simply said.. please..

Large raindrops began to fall from the sky as I took deep cleansing breaths in.. then out.... people from my house stood on the porch not understanding why I wanted, no, needed to feel the blessing of the rain.. it fell harder.. soaking me. My hair, soft and fine pressed to my flesh.. yet I trembled not even as the wind picked up.

I needed for the storm to continue, I needed to be cleansed of the pain I am feeling. But nothing more came....

Patience SehAnru.. Patience..

Turas fada siúil tríd na stoirmeacha ~ Tis a long journey, walking through the storms.

Today is a day for pen and parchment, for the words I need to say are not for all to see. Someday.