As if it wasn't obvious, I haven't felt much like writing, we all go through these phases.

Yesterday was a horrible day, I just felt lost. I made the decision that there is no way in hell I could be dominant over someone else, it's simply not me. Yes, I am motherly, because it is in my nature to take care of people, animals, and plants. But this was different. I tried and I fought with myself over it.

Secondly, I came to the final realization that I do not see myself as a slave to my husband. I can't submit to him, not in the way others can. Before that frustrated me, but now, I understand, and I am happy that he enjoys lil kinks submission to him. 

I explained to tlil kink who had asked me to take on the role as her Mommy in a D/s relationship that it was not my place. I also agreed with my husband that I was not his slave, I am his babygirl, and shall always be.  Even after that, I found myself to be severely depressed which is very uncommon for me, and I do feel it was because I could feel someone else.

Today I awoke and I still felt horrible, lost, and frustrated. I went silent and it took everything I had to not just break down and cry on many occasions. We went out to our new place and began to paint the room. I have been asked if giving up my position of Mistress of my domain will be hard. I chuckled softly, I never give up that position. Even if it is not a house of our own we are moving into, it is a room that we are making our own, and I will make it our home.

Matt left for nearly an hour to head into Dallas and get supplies, and it gave me a chance to clear my head. I listened to music on my phone and painted as I had energy that I hadn't felt in a long time. I put quite a few songs from Tech N9ne on my phone and they made me smile bringing back memories of the concert I went to with D, A, and B. Matt doesn't like rap at all, but when he got back he even tolerated it for awhile because he enjoyed watching me wiggle, and bounce to the music happily.

One of the things that really helped me today was that I went out there and immediately took care of the animals on the farm. Fed the chickens, ducks, their horse, and the 6 rabbits. Cleaned out their waters and refilled them. Then grabbed apples off of the tree and spoiled the hell out of the llama and some of the sheep that were close. Later in the day when my horses finally came up towards the house, I fed them apples too. Across the driveway giving me the evil eye was the llama (Thank you for not spitting.. ) who was now Jealous of my two kids  who are.... OMG fat. Good thing I will be out there.. they need some running. Well, and wormed too. But otherwise they look really good. The point being, I felt like I was back home taking care of the animals like I should be. They have a garden area that they said can be all mine. If they only knew what they were offering me.. ~smiles~

We finished the first coat of primer around 7, now, mind you we didn't get out there until about 2 and well.. we didn't have the adequate equipment to use at first. But, by this time we were ready to quit for the day. We turned and smiled at one another. Jacuzzi time. We stripped, grabbed a towel and headed out. The temp was set at 103 degree's which was perfect.. and the sun was just starting to set. Considering we are in a valley surrounded by mountains, it was a gorgeous scene. On top of it all, it's a full moon. We slipped into the hot water and turn on the jets. Hmm shivers, instantly perky to the point of aching, then relax.. Matt sat there on edge for a moment as he watched me. Slowly dipping my head back to get my hair wet, my upper body just slightly above the water as the light of the moon is all that lights up my naked body. I could feel his eyes wash over me and moved to say something but he moved through the water to me. We made love under the moon, in weightless sublime. I took in the energy of the moon, watched the clouds move across the starlit sky... I had been gone from this far too long.

We went inside around 9 and sat in our room and all we could hear was the crickets.. no train, no sirens, no cars, closest dog bark was a half a mile away.. We closed the storm windows and there was silence. My ears were ringing because they were not used to it. Craziness. We slowly got dressed and then left. The drive back to Salem was peaceful, relaxed. We walked into our townhouse and it was hustle and bustle again. It made me really appreciate the day even more.

There are many things I will miss about Salem. Most of all there are people who I will miss. But love in any form is boundless. I will always be close. I will love you, always and forever as I promised.